I must confess that I’m obsessed with my husband’s ex girlfriend. The only real reason is because she’s a mystery to me. She’s the only one of his exes he refuses to discuss/disclose information about, and if we ever do talk about her (he’s let his guard down twice about her in the 4 years we’ve been together), we always end up fighting about it - as he blames me for bringing her up and him having to ‘remember her’ when he didn’t want to.
I’m happy to give him info about any of my exes, because I’m SO over them. But with her, I feel there’s something else and not knowing what it is, is killing me.
This girl was the love of his life (right before he met me), and they weren’t together that long (they were on off for about 1 1/2 years). He was even still in touch with her, and she was still fighting to get him back 3 months into OUR relationship - something I found out 2 years after we got together! He even admitted to me that he kissed her 2 months after him and I became an item!
Anyway, I can’t stop obsessing over her and for some reason I have this *need* to know what it was about her that he loved so much… because frankly, I need to understand it, and maybe once I undertand it, and it’s no longer this ‘mystery’, and I’ll finally get over it.
When I first saw pictures of this ex, I said to him (and this was before we were even a couple, we were just friends at the time) "you can do so much better than that!" I really didn’t think she was remotely pretty, and found it strange that someone as handsome as my husband (he’s a combo between Paul Rudd and Ben Affleck) would even look twice at someone like her. At that time, I was so confident within myself and actually, seeing pictures of her made me realise that getting him would be a lot easier than I thought, as even I thought I was better looking than her! Cocky I know, but she really isn’t attractive by any stretch of the imagination… or is she…
Then, finding out how much they were into each other through old letters, photos and other souvenirs which he’s kept, I started to see her in a new light. I actually started thinking she was attractive - more attractive than me, I started studying every part of her appearance (from photos) - her hair, her skin tone, her legs, her athletic physique (she runs marathons, etc), and her personality (how she expressed herself in her letters) and am now beginning to wonder what the hell he saw in me instead. It has now reached a point where I feel like I can’t measure up to his ex!
I even found her on Facebook and check her page often, looking through her photos (she has no privacy settings on them) and am very envious of her life after breaking up with my husband - she seemed to have become more successful, moved to Australia, has travelled the world, experienced new adventures (things I’ve always wanted to do but now can’t as we have a baby), was in a relationship with a guy who seems to be like a really awesome person (an Aussie surfer type, he just looks like a SUPER nice guy - we definitely have the same taste in men!), etc…. and all in all, I’m starting to find her to be this gorgeous, glowing girl, with golden hair and skin (think Giselle Bundchen’s colours - though her facial features, she’s more of a Barbara Streisand) and wish I could be the same and have the affect on my husband that she had on him.
I don’t feel like I have that same affect on him - judging from their letters to each other. He’s never said things to me like he found me "unbelievably attractive" as he has to her.. He tells me I’m beautiful, but it’s not the same as "unbelievably". He has SO many pictures of her from all the places they travelled to together in Europe. Yet, he doesn’t seem so compelled to take any pictures of me when we travel. He’s not so ‘impacted’ by my beauty - even though he tells me he thinks I’m hot and look like Salma Hayek.
They also had a LOT of passion in their relationship, whereas we are just comfortable, there isn’t much passion in ours. I don’t know if that’s a result of becoming parents, being overworked, or whatever… but I can’t shake the feeling that if he had married her, he still wouldn’t be this way with her.
I guess I’m just jealous and I’m trying not to be, by finding out more about her, in order to learn that she’s actually ‘mortal’ and ‘boring’ and nothing spectacular. Yet the more I find out about her, the more I’m seeing that she’s actually a pretty cool girl!
Also, my husband has been googling her recently… I found her name in the ‘History’ on our internet. So of course that put more fuel in the fire…
I just want to get over this and stop obsessing and I can’t seem to stop myself from checking her Facebook page. HELP!
Talking to my husband about it, is NOT an option.
Sad, confused and sick.
Before I married my husband I dated guy for a long time. We had one of those super passionate, spiritual connection relationships. We wrote the most passionate love letters, we did amazing things together - but ultimately we were really bad for each other. We were definitely in love, we were connected on a deep lasting level, but we couldn’t be kind with each other. We couldn’t be good for each other. I broke it off with him, and started seeing my now husband. Things are different. Things are better. I am much happier with my husband. We don’t have the same kind of connection sexually, or that weird spiritual like feeling connection - but I am happier. Do I still check in on the ex sometimes? Sure! Would I ever get back with him? No way! Things with my husband are more comfortable, and I am happier. I love him more. Its just that different relationships are, well, different. I don’t write the same kinds of love letters for my husband - and I wouldn’t want to. It would remind me of the ex, and my husband deserves more then just my reruns. Try to forget about it. She tried to get him back while you were together and failed. He obviously loves you very much - so try to relax. See a therapist if you need to. If you aren’t feeling as desirable, spice it up - you can inject some more passion into your relationship! Make more quality time for the two of you. If he didn’t want to be with you, he doesn’t have to be, so try to give him the benefit of the doubt, and try to stop obsessing about this girl. If he finds your creeping on her, that will definately put an odd spin on things.